Hollow Cost

I recently discovered, as all young employees of an office do, the supply cabinet. It is a rite of passage not unlike that of the Bar Mitzvah, in which analogy the office is the equivalent of Judaism. To make that understood, I have included a helpful graphic.:
(To be read as: all statements heretofore will be made under the presumption that the office space is allegorical to the Jewish religion)

So now that I have been oppressed since the dawn of time for killing Jesus Christ (and even before that, just for no reason), I feel I have reason to celebrate my becoming a man with long drawn out process, not unlike memorize an ungodly (pun (un)intended) amount of the Torah or learning the entire Hebrew language. I will be making a paper clip chain. And yes, I put these on the same level of importance and difficulty. I will add one paper clip for every day, I work here as a reminder of the forty years my forefathers spent wandering the desert without food or water, which I find is very similar to three hours a day I spend sitting in an air-conditioned office and proof-read. It may even be worse because sometimes the air-conditioner is turned up way too high. But I overcome, just as those who came before me did and those who will come after me. No Holocaust jokes (this time), I’m much too classy for that.
But some of you are asking: “Eric, what is a paperclip?” and “Eric, how will make a paperclip chain?” To which I reply, “You’re retarded, but I will explain it to you anyways because I love any chance to add a visual aid.” So here you are:


And how many?” you ask, in my glow you doth bask. “Why,” I reply with a chortle of good cheer, “One for everyday that I work here.”

Another day, another night, another year…/This better not be all I got
--Jingle Jangle, Hot Hot Heat

*Note, my office looks nowhere near as cool as the one depicted with strange shaped chairs, glass walls, and white people.

My Condolences, but Your Indulgences are Pensive and Expensive

So this next part is for me, not you, me; but I wouldn’t be terribly slighted or feel my privacy intolerably invaded, if you were to continue. The thing about this job, as with all campus jobs in my undisclosed location, is that you only get paid once a month. Needless to say, after 3+ weeks of work here, I’m just as broke as was when I started. Possibly broker. So to stay motivated (or at least keep from quitting) I have already allocated the funds of as of yet nonexistent check, much in the same way I divide up the unicorn meat. Let us, for the sake of good sport, assume that my income for a particular month is 700 (and let’s not kid ourselves, it’ll be more), but were it to be this highly allegedly fabricated amount, I will spend it thusly (and to my great entertainment):

(Green iPod nano: $200)This glorious piece of engineering is known as the new iPod nano, in, if you felt your eye deceived you, a color known to many as green. This baby plays music, has radio, can record video(though for some reason can’t take pictures), and has awesome games. Basically I’m working at work to buy it, so I don’t have to do work at work, comprende?

(Personal Soundtrack Tshirt: $30+S&H) Now this next item is kind of complicated so I’ve drawn a rather helpful diagram of how it works. Known as the Personal Soundtrack T-shirt, this baby can hook into your iPod(see figure for: iPod Green), and it has a speaker(see figure for: Speaker) through which it can play music(See figure for: Resultant Sound). I know, you’re jealous. And it’s not even because I will own this shirt in a few day. It’s because I’m just awesome enough to pull it off.

(Food: $200) I need to eat. Not eating would be stupid and possibly (in my case, it would not be certain) result in death. Also, food tastes good.

(Savings: $50) My parents have instilled in me some pretty fantastic values. A part from giving birth to the most incredible creature since the incredibly rare (but totally existent) FlyingAwesomeFish.

(Distant/Imminent Travel Expenses: $200) I would like to go to Santa Barbara (Strike that off your list of places I live)in a few weeks and on an intense roadtrip over the summer, so I will allot aforemention amount to the aforementioned excursions. Aforementioned.

So that’s it, and then I’ll be broke again for another month, so this story really doesn’t have a happy ending, except for the shirt.

Countdown: 15 days*

*This is all under the assumption that I don't get fired before that.

I want to party naked on a school bus full of nuns/I want a bumper pool table and a robot pelican
Things I Want, Sum 41(ft. Tenacious D)

My name is Not Inigo Montoya, the Degree of Your Preparation for Death Need Not Be Changed

So I have this job where I sit behind a desk and type a shitload of shit, everyday for a couple hours. Sounds like I’ve given up on my dreams already, right? You’d be incorrect. This is simply financing my dreams, but I guess that’s what every says right up until the point when their soul gets sucked out through their mouth, ear, nose, anus, pores or whatever opening on the body souls are sucked out through. My bet is the anus.

But I digress from a subject I haven’t even begun.

(Read as: Hello my name is Eric. This is a bee)

I’m 19, in college, and I have way too much of my plate. I like English and love television. I like to put whipped cream on my hot chocolate, but have no self-control and end up eating it all right away (the same goes for marshmallows). If procrastination were swimming, I would be the Michael Phelps; but it’s not, so I’m just screwed. I’m quite the baker of cupcakes. I can do a one-handed cartwheel. I can count to ten in sign language and I can go days without sleeping. My favorite word is anachronism, but I’m looking to change that because it doesn’t fit easily into daily conversation. I had my first fish last year and it died within two weeks, which I can only assume means I am less nurturing than I enjoy long walks on the beach. I’m proficient Microsoft Word, Excel, and Powerpoint and can type 70 WPM. Now I’m so embarrassed; you’ve heard so much about me and yet, I don’t know a thing about you.

A working class hero is something to be/If you want to be a hero well just follow me
--Working Class Hero, John Lennon